laughs and belly aches.

glimpses of home have brought about reminders of love for this place.

so many days spent wondering what to do - and being reminded that there's not a lot that you can do in a town this size.

today as we prepared to leave to celebrate Christmas on the Conlee side -we attempted to take a family photo. we should have all expected it to go the way it always does. several failed attempts due to my brothers lack of cooperation and inability to stand still and smile long enough to capture a moment in time.

fully knowing that we were taking a family photo in front of the Christmas tree - Blake comes out of his room wearing an over-sized knitted yellow sweater and a comb over. laughter was all i had to offer as words seemed far from fitting. what a goof.

after three outfit changes, and time running against us, we finally captured this killer photo.


last night my brother and i were leaving in his truck - and before making it out of the driveway we had spun over 360 degrees and dodged the snow plow and a couple of trees, landing us in the yard. after realizing we weren't moving without a push, i opened the door to get out and help - and fell on a sheet of ice and slid under the truck. it was pure comedy.

today our little cousins came out to go sledding in our small dusting of snow that hardly covers the ground. many wipe outs were had. i was sitting in a sled when unexpectedly my brother pushed me from behind, landing me at the bottom of the hill, creaming my 9 year old cousin who was laying at the bottom. after bailing from the sled i looked back to see her face covered in snot and snow. only moments later i was walking up the hill when that same little cousin came flying at me in a sled, taking me out from under my feet.

finding life and joy in the small things as i embrace this town in the time spent here.
laughter and belly aches have been the overflow of many moments.

fish and things.

all semester we've had a pet at our house.
one fish named Pac - making life happen in a small fish bowl.

last week we were eating dinner together as roommates, when we had the privilege of hearing Pac's life story - filled with several apartment changes and years of life. shortly after we recognized a smudge of residue growing in Pac's fish bowl. logically, Amy [Pac's owner] took the liberty to clean out his residence.

she scooped him up with a measuring cup - and plopped him in a small container. talk about your whole word changing....

Amy then proceeded to squirt dawn dish soap all over Pac's bowl, his porcelain center piece, and bowl bottom rocks. Katie and i laughed at Amy - as we stood in awe of the excessive amount of dish soap being used to basically cleanse Pac's insides. Amy proceeded to tell us that she has cleaned Pac's fish bowl like this for the past two and a half years. over-flowing bubbles created by various dish soap flavors. after completion of the cleansing - Pac was gracefully placed back into his thoroughly rinsed out fish bowl, filled to the brim with clear tap water [another factor known to risk the survival of a fish].

the next morning i wake up to several screams and 'NO WAY'S' coming from upstairs. i walk up to the kitchen to find everyone standing in awe of a belly-up fish. Pac's life was over.
perhaps it had to do with his ongoing - two-and-a-half year battle against dawn dish soap and habitats full of tap water. the one night we witnessed the cleansing occur - happened to be the last round.

coincidence?
i'd like to think so.

that night i came home from class and found a large bouquet of red and white flowers on the counter - addressed to Amy in regards to her loss.

we all laughed.

questions left unanswered.

school has come to an end for the semester. and a celebration it has been.
so much busyness and running to and fro to be blamed on school - and now that it's over the movement continues at a rapid pace.

the past week seems to be filled with question marks and confusion.
tears shed over unexpected answers and circumstances.

questions about what the summer hold and where it leads.
emails received from my mom with words i never expected to hear from her.
a broken heart for those who surround me as i come to see their heartache.
revisited guilt over things of the past.
the school i'm applying to student teach at in Africa saying i'm not sure it's going to work'

why so much uncertainty?

i guess there is little to be certain about in this life.
a call to trust.
even when there is not a single answer or glimpse of things now or in the future to be seen.

can i trust without the answers?
i desire to.
but it means releasing my desire and pre-determined outcomes to see what is ahead of me.

letting go.
perhaps the continued fallen tears are within the process of releasing my own grip for a greater glory to be known.

waiting in this life.

i'm not sure the message could have been any more relevant to my heart and thought process as it stands now.

waiting.

a term that sounds unattractive and better left avoided.
a concept i'm terrible at living out. and yet an inevitable concept - required in this life.

when thinking about waiting - several things in which i've waited for over the past year ran through my head.

waiting for relief.
waiting for healing over wounds in which the depth is unexplainable.
waiting for freedom in my struggle to fight my mind and heart that drifts to things past. vivid words and actions that i would rather delete, but without a choice they arise again.
waiting for direction on where to go from here.

in thinking about all of this today - it became clear that many of the things i wait upon are already present.

relief. only in Christ do we find a peace in which we cannot comprehend.
healing. Christ' life has been given that we may be made whole. healed. and secured in Him.
freedom. it is for freedom that Christ has set us free.

all offered to me as His child. gifts left unopened. perhaps because i fear the depth of my mess is beyond a blanket of freedom or a dash of healing. that's not what my Savior has in mind anyway.

He has already given Himself as an ultimate sacrifice, that i may embrace the gift of being a child in which my Father is committed to lavishing love upon.
wholeheartedly.
eternally.


perhaps He is waiting on me to trust Him.

grace, wash over me.

"I am no longer anxious about anything, as I realize that He is able to carry out His will for me. It doesn't matter where He places me, or how. That is for Him to consider, not me, for in the easier positions He will give me grace, and in the most difficult ones His grace is sufficient."

--Hudson Taylor

create in me a reflection of this - reminding me daily that i am His.

wounded children.

last night at work i was running around playing house. eating plastic food. blowing up multiple things with the boys. reading books. and loving on children.

little did i know they would show me a greater glimpse of love.

kaylin is a spunky little two year old girl. always dressed in pink and usually found dragging a pink blanket not far behind her.

last night she was playing on the blocks, and suddenly started running - which landed her head straight into the wall. not having seen it happen, but heard the hard hit, i immediately turned around to see her laying on the ground - holding a cry to the point of silence and a lack of breathing.

i scooped kaylin up. blew in her face so she would have to breathe again. and simply held her so tight. she was scared. and i'm sure she felt unexplainable pain. the busyness of running around had slowed down in a matter of seconds. and in that moment i got to hold her near. rock her. and remind her that she was going to be ok.

after one large raised bump on her forehead, and fifteen minutes of being held, kaylin was ready and willing to play again.

sitting with kaylin, loving her and holding her, reminded me of how much each of us desire the same. when we're 'playing' and embracing the joys of life - we're not expecting the unpredictable to hit hard. where pain meets us in the unexpected. but inevitably it does and it will again. and in those exact moments our Savior gets to hold us near. embrace His child. and wash love over us. i can't imagine the pain of the Savior in moments when we attempt to put a band-aid on a fresh wound and refuse the need or want to be held and embraced.

allowing ourselves to be gripped by a hand of grace.
allowing ourselves to be wounded - so that we may have hearts for the wounds of others.
allowing ourselves to be held and simply drawn near to the heart of our Savior.

all that's left.

my friend sarah wrote a song this summer that just recently got recorded onto a cd.
the truth within the lyrics have become the cry of my heart in the midst of this season.

i am at my best when i am nothing
i am at my best when i've lost all control
i am at my best when i surrender
i am at my best when You're changing me

so teach me to delight in the fire
the fire that purifies me
i'm pursuing the heat of Your fire
to take all that's left of me

i heard You ask "who can I send?
who will go for Me?"
The cry of my heart is i'll go won't You send me
but i know You have to take from me

so take from me and destroy what these hands have made
i am coming to a place where all i want is all you have for me
and i know it's in my brokenness - that i can best be used by You
so break me Jesus and take all that's left of me

i am read to be broken for you Jesus
i am ready to surrender all to You
i am ready to be poured out as an offering
i am ready to surrender my all to You
___________________________________

i am reading a book about compassion. it has spoken of suffering and pain as unattractive aspects to our lives that we would rather avoid. our reaction to run from what seems difficult creates a lack of genuine compassion toward others and ourselves.

'so teach me to delight in the fire
the fire that purifies me
i'm pursing the heat of Your fire
to take all that's left of me'

teach me to delight in the fire. teach me to delight in the process of being refined and purified. teach me to pursue the heat of the fire that burns what i've created and leaves only what Your hand has done over me.
________________________________________________

'i hear You ask "who can I send?
who will go for Me?"
the cry of my heart is i'll go won't you send me
but i know you have to take from me'

with a great passion for the people, i desire to do my student teaching in Tanzania, Africa. hesitations and the disapproval of my parents speak otherwise. i never imagined myself to say, 'i am willing to go', but it has become the cry of my heart that i do so. i know the process is not finished, and much must be taken from me.

teach me to delight in this fire. teach me to delight in the process of being refined and purified. teach me to pursue the heat of the fire that burns my own desire and leaves only what You have for me to do.


i am coming to a place where all i want is all you have for me.

friendship.

Alainia and i got together for lunch this week.

life shared within a matter of moments.

hugs exchanged. love embraced. laughter shared. tears nearly fallen as we remembered just how easily we can understand one another. and time ran far too short.

friendship is an abundant gift.
may we lay ourselves aside enough to see it as such.

great should be our thanks.

my mom and i went grocery shopping. on a hunt for a turkey and all of the ingredients for our family thanksgiving meals to be held in the next two days.

ahead of us in the check out line was a woman wearing a tattered coat. pushing a cart holding her purse and three grocery items. '$7.35,' the cashier asked. with a blank look on her face, the woman moved to a nearby counter to pour out her purse and scrounge for change and dollar bills. watching this woman pour out all she had in exchange for the little groceries she was attempting to purchase.

behind us in the check out line were two woman purchasing a handful of items. upon completion of their items and food stamps being scanned, the woman sighed in disappointment of not having enough money to purchase all they had picked out. they began returning items one at a time until their total reached the amount they held in their hand.

ahead of us and behind us in line these women stood.
abandoning embarrassment of what they did or didn't have in hopes of attaining what they needed.

i was humbled in that place.

great is my thanks - for i've been given much.

tis' the season.

yesterday i was crazy enough to ride my mom's bus route with her.

every time it is an adventure.

yesterday was the last day of school before Thanksgiving break began. as you can imagine - children were rowdy and excited that once the bus took off for home - they wouldn't be back until Monday morning. i remember that same anxiety of school-less days ahead.

this is a small glimpse of the Pilgrims and Indians i rode alongside of yesterday.

fully dressed with large buckled hats and feathered head dresses.

having one bigger person in the front seat apparently grants permission for everyone to yell at the same time. everyone with a different story to share. all desiring to be heard.

i spent time listening to Summer read to me.
Taylor sang me a song.

many questions were asked:
'what bus stop are you getting off at?'
'where do you think Kerri puts the bus when there are no kids on it?'

and some of the things they said made me do nothing but laugh:


'we had a feast today. i was an Indian. we made vest. mine is really fun. and it's REALLY comfortable. [Summer drags an over sized paper sack cut into vest form out of her book bag]

'did you know that my pancho is made in Mexico? then they gave them to wal-mart so my mom could buy it.'

'KERRI - these boys are smashing cars and being ridiculous. boys are pathetic! tell them to stop!'

'i can spell santa. do you want to hear me?'


i think i'll be a teacher.

lovers.

one woman in the Bible i often draw back to and find truth within - is the woman at the well. her desperation. her heartache. her reaction to Christ love.

today in church the pastor made another interesting parallel to the same story. talking about how we are a generation with too many lovers. too many loves in our lives - just like the woman at the well who had had five husbands and was not even married to the man she was currently with.

loves.
people. time. events. they can all become our loves before and over Christ.
but Christ wants to be the only lover of our hearts.
He is jealous to embrace all of who we are.
for we are His.

truth was found in the words, 'it's not about you desiring Him - it's more about you recognizing Christ desperate cry over you - His deep desire to have all of you - and allowing yourself to be loved by Him. for He is in love with you.'

and in those words - i found freedom.
freedom from disappointment.
freedom from rejection.
freedom from pain and hurt.
freedom from guilt.

freedom found by losing myself in finding Him.

learning from the simple.

i've been learning a lot from my students in the past week.
their innocence and simplicity can surprise you. crack a smile. and some days make you laugh out loud.

the soon to be heart-throb of the class, Coleman, has been the one to seek attention from his classmates. he would answer the questions asked and shout out answers even when there was no question.
within the past couple of weeks he has been more silent. giving answers when called upon.
when asking his mom about this at parent teacher conferences she said, "well. we've been working on humbleness at home. learning how to not always be first or heard. maybe that has something to do with it."

a nine year old child reminding me to be humble.

Nick is a fun-loving child who loves football and learning all that he can get his hands on.
today i was teaching a lesson about tropical rain forest. the students were reading about tropical rain forest in their science textbook and then writing the things they learned in a venn diagram.
as i'm floating around the classroom i see Nick has his hand raised. i walk up to his desk and this is what he tells me, "Miss Conlee. the last sentence in our text book is wrong. it's not true."
i look at the book and it reads, "The tropical rain forest has huge numbers of insects. No one has ever named them all." i asked Nick why he thought that statement wasn't true and he looks at me with determined eyes and says, "because Adam was the first man on this earth. and God named EVERYTHING! i know that because my mom goes to church."

i smiled. gave Nick a thumbs up and said, "you're right Nick. and there sure are a lot of insects in our world!"

we may grow up. but we're never done learning.
and sometimes what we learn comes from the simplicity of the ones we're teaching.

the well is deep.

feeling as if i've come to see a glimpse of light.
a renewed desire for life.
the depth of my well.

each of us have a well in this life. a well of heartache and pain. past experiences you'd rather forget and journeys you'd prefer to leave unmentioned.
perhaps this past journey is one worth remembering - if only for the truth that i can see now.

for the longest time i felt my well of heartache was a target. my struggle and sin was obvious and known to those who surrounded me.

and for so long i've tried to run.
nights spent crying. days waking up to do much of the same.
feeling like i've been standing still while life happens around me.
what happened to my desire?

and then i stopped.
i looked around.
and i saw that everyone around me also has a well. a heartache in this life. and for the first time in a long time i saw beauty in the brokenness.

each of us desire to be loved despite the depth or consistency of our well but sometimes we're not willing to accept love - most often when our well is all we see.

butwe are just that.
loved.

you are loved.
even more than you desire.

one day at a time.

today seemed much like a rat race.

alarm goes off at 7:15.
snooze pushed three and a half times before i decide to brave the ice box of our basement and get out of bed.
arrived at school. loved on some third graders. we read books together. wrote together. and played.
arrived at my next school. welcomed with a hand-made card from Elizabeth that says, "Thank you Miss Conlee". filled with colorful pictures and notes about how fun it has been to have a literacy buddy.
to campus for class.
dashed home to get out of my teacher get-up and grab something for dinner. i got a card in the mail from my high school English teacher. inspirational thoughts about teaching. quite random and funny.
received an e-mail that in fewer words said, "You've been accepted to student teach in Africa. congratulations!"
back to school - to meet with my supervisor and discuss my teaching that was observed earlier today.
night class. aka. day dream for the next three hours.
randomly decided to visit my closest friends family - where i was greeted by her younger sister in her halloween constume. a rock star bunny. why didn't i think of that. a place where questions were asked and encouragement was embraced. mom was making fudge. and more than once said, 'here. this is our treat bucket. get yourself some chocolate.' she knows the face of a college student. i even got to hear the practice of a Christmas pageant solo.
i landed at home to embrace four hours of homework. laundry. and to-do list.
late night phone calls from a great friend. life shared

days are packed with opportunities to see glimpses of joy in our midst. and today i embraced beauty in the busy.

days can seem so long. even in Africa.

may love be what compels us all.

last night in our small group we talked about compassion.
a word i admire. a gift i think i acquire. and a passion for such a heart action that it has driven me to learn more.

ideas shared about what compassion looks like when pouring it over others and ourselves.
a shared love and understanding of your heart despite your sin. everyone desires it. moments crave for it to be present. and yet why is it so hard to be compassionate toward everyone?

our automatic and far too quickly established judgements toward others sabotage any glimpse of compassion.

hurt and pain caused by people leaves us staring at the hole in need of healing - and turns off the valve of compassion.

and all the while we stare at our own hurt. and stir the depths of how deep we were wounded. focusing only on ourselves - we completely miss the fact that the other person also has a well of hurt and pain in this life. that they too desire and long for someone to understand.

compassion - a gift used to show and remind others that God understands. a gift that has been shown to us in the greatest manner possible. a gift we all desire to have poured over us through our days. and a gift that can be used through us when we love sacrificially. for it is then that we are loving as Jesus does.

i like it.

the simplicity of a child.

finding admiration in the simplicity of children.
their ability to make-believe and not be disappointed when imagination does not become reality.
they simply enjoy the adventure.

this is my friend Jacob.

we've become buddies this semester. we master weekly spelling words - write in journals - and laugh at good books together. Jacob's father passed away in April - and as a result - Jacob needs some extra tender loving care throughout the day. Often times when my back is turned - i'll be shocked at the sudden squeeze at my waist - assured that it's Jacob coming in for yet another hug.

Jacob has had labels written all over his learning ability and life up to this point. the last thing he is in need of is another person to walk into his every day and view him as the one who lags behind. and when telling Jacob that i believe in his ability to learn - he smiles real big and nods his bold brown eyes.

just today in music class - all of the kids were singing along to a cd. i happened to glance over and see Jacob strumming away on his air guitar. his strumming seemed to slow down when changing chords - but that's only natural. with the look of a rock star - Jacob had completely left room 109 and entered his own stage.

while teaching our reading comprehension lesson today - i turned to look at Jacob and he was sitting nicely in his chair - flexing is big nine year old muscles and pinching his biceps as if to measure all he was.

a simple child. unashamedly living with a lot of love to give. and yet so many have walked away from loving him because of an outward appearance and ability.

we too are that child.
but all too often the weight and burdens of life cover the child in each of us.
the well of hurt and pain. experiences. past. and present.
and yet we are still children. children of God. and when He sees us rock out on our air guitar or flex our muscles in the middle of class - i'm sure He is smiling over us.
with an unexplainable capacity - His love for us as His children is unconditional.
a love that will never walk out - even when we do.

create in me - a life of simplicity.

drink from the spring. be refreshed my child.

some days i just want to escape the inescapable.
leave it all behind. take off on a journey away from the monotony of to-do list and never-ending schedules. of course leaving such things always entails that it will be here when you return.

darn.

this past weekend i had a glimpse of an escape.
a journey home. to spend time with family. away from the every day. and into the refreshing.

a weekend filled with spontaneity and randomness:
- shopping with my mom [almost unheard of].
- visiting my brother in the fields - harvesting corn. and remembering why i so greatly appreciate how different we are.
- taking on adventures at the pumpkin patch. remembering my childhood as i pushed a little cart and filled it with pumpkins. tis' the season.
- roasting hot dogs and marshmallows over an open fire while sharing stories with my mom and dad about how life once looked an how different it seems now.
- attending an old country church with my mom and dad where old ladies bake cinnamon rolls to be consumed after service and pinch your cheeks as they make comments about how grown up you are.
- watching my brother coach third and fourth grade soccer. his enthusiasm and love for children overflow.

refreshing. i embraced the freedom within those three days as i am thankful for my time there.

and today the to-do list was recreated as the 'play' button was pushed on the start of another week.

may this one not pass by without living in the overflow of the refreshment i have tasted.

welcome inside.

i have been desiring a place to toss and splash thoughts over my days and struggles in this life.

perhaps this created space will be filled with such.

may it overflow with honest thoughts. imperfections. questions left unanswered. and pieces of truth that reflect a greater glory.

welcome inside.