laughs and belly aches.

glimpses of home have brought about reminders of love for this place.

so many days spent wondering what to do - and being reminded that there's not a lot that you can do in a town this size.

today as we prepared to leave to celebrate Christmas on the Conlee side -we attempted to take a family photo. we should have all expected it to go the way it always does. several failed attempts due to my brothers lack of cooperation and inability to stand still and smile long enough to capture a moment in time.

fully knowing that we were taking a family photo in front of the Christmas tree - Blake comes out of his room wearing an over-sized knitted yellow sweater and a comb over. laughter was all i had to offer as words seemed far from fitting. what a goof.

after three outfit changes, and time running against us, we finally captured this killer photo.


last night my brother and i were leaving in his truck - and before making it out of the driveway we had spun over 360 degrees and dodged the snow plow and a couple of trees, landing us in the yard. after realizing we weren't moving without a push, i opened the door to get out and help - and fell on a sheet of ice and slid under the truck. it was pure comedy.

today our little cousins came out to go sledding in our small dusting of snow that hardly covers the ground. many wipe outs were had. i was sitting in a sled when unexpectedly my brother pushed me from behind, landing me at the bottom of the hill, creaming my 9 year old cousin who was laying at the bottom. after bailing from the sled i looked back to see her face covered in snot and snow. only moments later i was walking up the hill when that same little cousin came flying at me in a sled, taking me out from under my feet.

finding life and joy in the small things as i embrace this town in the time spent here.
laughter and belly aches have been the overflow of many moments.

fish and things.

all semester we've had a pet at our house.
one fish named Pac - making life happen in a small fish bowl.

last week we were eating dinner together as roommates, when we had the privilege of hearing Pac's life story - filled with several apartment changes and years of life. shortly after we recognized a smudge of residue growing in Pac's fish bowl. logically, Amy [Pac's owner] took the liberty to clean out his residence.

she scooped him up with a measuring cup - and plopped him in a small container. talk about your whole word changing....

Amy then proceeded to squirt dawn dish soap all over Pac's bowl, his porcelain center piece, and bowl bottom rocks. Katie and i laughed at Amy - as we stood in awe of the excessive amount of dish soap being used to basically cleanse Pac's insides. Amy proceeded to tell us that she has cleaned Pac's fish bowl like this for the past two and a half years. over-flowing bubbles created by various dish soap flavors. after completion of the cleansing - Pac was gracefully placed back into his thoroughly rinsed out fish bowl, filled to the brim with clear tap water [another factor known to risk the survival of a fish].

the next morning i wake up to several screams and 'NO WAY'S' coming from upstairs. i walk up to the kitchen to find everyone standing in awe of a belly-up fish. Pac's life was over.
perhaps it had to do with his ongoing - two-and-a-half year battle against dawn dish soap and habitats full of tap water. the one night we witnessed the cleansing occur - happened to be the last round.

coincidence?
i'd like to think so.

that night i came home from class and found a large bouquet of red and white flowers on the counter - addressed to Amy in regards to her loss.

we all laughed.

questions left unanswered.

school has come to an end for the semester. and a celebration it has been.
so much busyness and running to and fro to be blamed on school - and now that it's over the movement continues at a rapid pace.

the past week seems to be filled with question marks and confusion.
tears shed over unexpected answers and circumstances.

questions about what the summer hold and where it leads.
emails received from my mom with words i never expected to hear from her.
a broken heart for those who surround me as i come to see their heartache.
revisited guilt over things of the past.
the school i'm applying to student teach at in Africa saying i'm not sure it's going to work'

why so much uncertainty?

i guess there is little to be certain about in this life.
a call to trust.
even when there is not a single answer or glimpse of things now or in the future to be seen.

can i trust without the answers?
i desire to.
but it means releasing my desire and pre-determined outcomes to see what is ahead of me.

letting go.
perhaps the continued fallen tears are within the process of releasing my own grip for a greater glory to be known.

waiting in this life.

i'm not sure the message could have been any more relevant to my heart and thought process as it stands now.

waiting.

a term that sounds unattractive and better left avoided.
a concept i'm terrible at living out. and yet an inevitable concept - required in this life.

when thinking about waiting - several things in which i've waited for over the past year ran through my head.

waiting for relief.
waiting for healing over wounds in which the depth is unexplainable.
waiting for freedom in my struggle to fight my mind and heart that drifts to things past. vivid words and actions that i would rather delete, but without a choice they arise again.
waiting for direction on where to go from here.

in thinking about all of this today - it became clear that many of the things i wait upon are already present.

relief. only in Christ do we find a peace in which we cannot comprehend.
healing. Christ' life has been given that we may be made whole. healed. and secured in Him.
freedom. it is for freedom that Christ has set us free.

all offered to me as His child. gifts left unopened. perhaps because i fear the depth of my mess is beyond a blanket of freedom or a dash of healing. that's not what my Savior has in mind anyway.

He has already given Himself as an ultimate sacrifice, that i may embrace the gift of being a child in which my Father is committed to lavishing love upon.
wholeheartedly.
eternally.


perhaps He is waiting on me to trust Him.

grace, wash over me.

"I am no longer anxious about anything, as I realize that He is able to carry out His will for me. It doesn't matter where He places me, or how. That is for Him to consider, not me, for in the easier positions He will give me grace, and in the most difficult ones His grace is sufficient."

--Hudson Taylor

create in me a reflection of this - reminding me daily that i am His.

wounded children.

last night at work i was running around playing house. eating plastic food. blowing up multiple things with the boys. reading books. and loving on children.

little did i know they would show me a greater glimpse of love.

kaylin is a spunky little two year old girl. always dressed in pink and usually found dragging a pink blanket not far behind her.

last night she was playing on the blocks, and suddenly started running - which landed her head straight into the wall. not having seen it happen, but heard the hard hit, i immediately turned around to see her laying on the ground - holding a cry to the point of silence and a lack of breathing.

i scooped kaylin up. blew in her face so she would have to breathe again. and simply held her so tight. she was scared. and i'm sure she felt unexplainable pain. the busyness of running around had slowed down in a matter of seconds. and in that moment i got to hold her near. rock her. and remind her that she was going to be ok.

after one large raised bump on her forehead, and fifteen minutes of being held, kaylin was ready and willing to play again.

sitting with kaylin, loving her and holding her, reminded me of how much each of us desire the same. when we're 'playing' and embracing the joys of life - we're not expecting the unpredictable to hit hard. where pain meets us in the unexpected. but inevitably it does and it will again. and in those exact moments our Savior gets to hold us near. embrace His child. and wash love over us. i can't imagine the pain of the Savior in moments when we attempt to put a band-aid on a fresh wound and refuse the need or want to be held and embraced.

allowing ourselves to be gripped by a hand of grace.
allowing ourselves to be wounded - so that we may have hearts for the wounds of others.
allowing ourselves to be held and simply drawn near to the heart of our Savior.

all that's left.

my friend sarah wrote a song this summer that just recently got recorded onto a cd.
the truth within the lyrics have become the cry of my heart in the midst of this season.

i am at my best when i am nothing
i am at my best when i've lost all control
i am at my best when i surrender
i am at my best when You're changing me

so teach me to delight in the fire
the fire that purifies me
i'm pursuing the heat of Your fire
to take all that's left of me

i heard You ask "who can I send?
who will go for Me?"
The cry of my heart is i'll go won't You send me
but i know You have to take from me

so take from me and destroy what these hands have made
i am coming to a place where all i want is all you have for me
and i know it's in my brokenness - that i can best be used by You
so break me Jesus and take all that's left of me

i am read to be broken for you Jesus
i am ready to surrender all to You
i am ready to be poured out as an offering
i am ready to surrender my all to You
___________________________________

i am reading a book about compassion. it has spoken of suffering and pain as unattractive aspects to our lives that we would rather avoid. our reaction to run from what seems difficult creates a lack of genuine compassion toward others and ourselves.

'so teach me to delight in the fire
the fire that purifies me
i'm pursing the heat of Your fire
to take all that's left of me'

teach me to delight in the fire. teach me to delight in the process of being refined and purified. teach me to pursue the heat of the fire that burns what i've created and leaves only what Your hand has done over me.
________________________________________________

'i hear You ask "who can I send?
who will go for Me?"
the cry of my heart is i'll go won't you send me
but i know you have to take from me'

with a great passion for the people, i desire to do my student teaching in Tanzania, Africa. hesitations and the disapproval of my parents speak otherwise. i never imagined myself to say, 'i am willing to go', but it has become the cry of my heart that i do so. i know the process is not finished, and much must be taken from me.

teach me to delight in this fire. teach me to delight in the process of being refined and purified. teach me to pursue the heat of the fire that burns my own desire and leaves only what You have for me to do.


i am coming to a place where all i want is all you have for me.