time well spent.

last week i went to visit josh and jenn in decatur, illinois. time spent with them is irreplaceable. a married couple who have spoken great truth into my life. lives lived transparently beyond themselves. children growing up in a home where love abounds.

several moments filled with Bella asking, 'banana, will you play with me? will you hold my baby, she's crying."

tours of the town and shopping trips. honest conversations over treats to starbucks and children taking naps.

Bella is three, and determined that she can do most things on her own. when she asks her mom for permission to do something - and is told to wait just a minute - Bella is already well on her way to conquering her desire after being told not to. if only she had waited for mom - the chalk would have only been used to draw on the chalk board and not the floor. the play dough would have stayed on the table. and the mascara and lipstick wouldn't have been ruined.

waiting. a concept that is so hard for Bella to learn now. a concept i myself have struggled grasping lately.

waiting for answers over this summer.
waiting to know the details on going to africa.
waiting to see what life will look like beyond college.

even after we're told to wait - we act and move upon our own will and desire. perhaps our desired answer or outcome could have been heard or seen, had we just waited like we were told to.

learning to wait well.
learning to listen while i wait.
learning to live with great expectation as i strive to walk in obedience.

the eve of a new year.

my new years eve looked much like this photo.

1. party with my mom because my dad was asleep before 11:00 p.m.!
2. sparkling grape juice.
3. party hair.
4. a viewing of annie for the 6th time in one week!


welcome to you, 2008!

laughs and belly aches.

glimpses of home have brought about reminders of love for this place.

so many days spent wondering what to do - and being reminded that there's not a lot that you can do in a town this size.

today as we prepared to leave to celebrate Christmas on the Conlee side -we attempted to take a family photo. we should have all expected it to go the way it always does. several failed attempts due to my brothers lack of cooperation and inability to stand still and smile long enough to capture a moment in time.

fully knowing that we were taking a family photo in front of the Christmas tree - Blake comes out of his room wearing an over-sized knitted yellow sweater and a comb over. laughter was all i had to offer as words seemed far from fitting. what a goof.

after three outfit changes, and time running against us, we finally captured this killer photo.


last night my brother and i were leaving in his truck - and before making it out of the driveway we had spun over 360 degrees and dodged the snow plow and a couple of trees, landing us in the yard. after realizing we weren't moving without a push, i opened the door to get out and help - and fell on a sheet of ice and slid under the truck. it was pure comedy.

today our little cousins came out to go sledding in our small dusting of snow that hardly covers the ground. many wipe outs were had. i was sitting in a sled when unexpectedly my brother pushed me from behind, landing me at the bottom of the hill, creaming my 9 year old cousin who was laying at the bottom. after bailing from the sled i looked back to see her face covered in snot and snow. only moments later i was walking up the hill when that same little cousin came flying at me in a sled, taking me out from under my feet.

finding life and joy in the small things as i embrace this town in the time spent here.
laughter and belly aches have been the overflow of many moments.

fish and things.

all semester we've had a pet at our house.
one fish named Pac - making life happen in a small fish bowl.

last week we were eating dinner together as roommates, when we had the privilege of hearing Pac's life story - filled with several apartment changes and years of life. shortly after we recognized a smudge of residue growing in Pac's fish bowl. logically, Amy [Pac's owner] took the liberty to clean out his residence.

she scooped him up with a measuring cup - and plopped him in a small container. talk about your whole word changing....

Amy then proceeded to squirt dawn dish soap all over Pac's bowl, his porcelain center piece, and bowl bottom rocks. Katie and i laughed at Amy - as we stood in awe of the excessive amount of dish soap being used to basically cleanse Pac's insides. Amy proceeded to tell us that she has cleaned Pac's fish bowl like this for the past two and a half years. over-flowing bubbles created by various dish soap flavors. after completion of the cleansing - Pac was gracefully placed back into his thoroughly rinsed out fish bowl, filled to the brim with clear tap water [another factor known to risk the survival of a fish].

the next morning i wake up to several screams and 'NO WAY'S' coming from upstairs. i walk up to the kitchen to find everyone standing in awe of a belly-up fish. Pac's life was over.
perhaps it had to do with his ongoing - two-and-a-half year battle against dawn dish soap and habitats full of tap water. the one night we witnessed the cleansing occur - happened to be the last round.

coincidence?
i'd like to think so.

that night i came home from class and found a large bouquet of red and white flowers on the counter - addressed to Amy in regards to her loss.

we all laughed.

questions left unanswered.

school has come to an end for the semester. and a celebration it has been.
so much busyness and running to and fro to be blamed on school - and now that it's over the movement continues at a rapid pace.

the past week seems to be filled with question marks and confusion.
tears shed over unexpected answers and circumstances.

questions about what the summer hold and where it leads.
emails received from my mom with words i never expected to hear from her.
a broken heart for those who surround me as i come to see their heartache.
revisited guilt over things of the past.
the school i'm applying to student teach at in Africa saying i'm not sure it's going to work'

why so much uncertainty?

i guess there is little to be certain about in this life.
a call to trust.
even when there is not a single answer or glimpse of things now or in the future to be seen.

can i trust without the answers?
i desire to.
but it means releasing my desire and pre-determined outcomes to see what is ahead of me.

letting go.
perhaps the continued fallen tears are within the process of releasing my own grip for a greater glory to be known.

waiting in this life.

i'm not sure the message could have been any more relevant to my heart and thought process as it stands now.

waiting.

a term that sounds unattractive and better left avoided.
a concept i'm terrible at living out. and yet an inevitable concept - required in this life.

when thinking about waiting - several things in which i've waited for over the past year ran through my head.

waiting for relief.
waiting for healing over wounds in which the depth is unexplainable.
waiting for freedom in my struggle to fight my mind and heart that drifts to things past. vivid words and actions that i would rather delete, but without a choice they arise again.
waiting for direction on where to go from here.

in thinking about all of this today - it became clear that many of the things i wait upon are already present.

relief. only in Christ do we find a peace in which we cannot comprehend.
healing. Christ' life has been given that we may be made whole. healed. and secured in Him.
freedom. it is for freedom that Christ has set us free.

all offered to me as His child. gifts left unopened. perhaps because i fear the depth of my mess is beyond a blanket of freedom or a dash of healing. that's not what my Savior has in mind anyway.

He has already given Himself as an ultimate sacrifice, that i may embrace the gift of being a child in which my Father is committed to lavishing love upon.
wholeheartedly.
eternally.


perhaps He is waiting on me to trust Him.

grace, wash over me.

"I am no longer anxious about anything, as I realize that He is able to carry out His will for me. It doesn't matter where He places me, or how. That is for Him to consider, not me, for in the easier positions He will give me grace, and in the most difficult ones His grace is sufficient."

--Hudson Taylor

create in me a reflection of this - reminding me daily that i am His.