ice, a heat wave, and other such events.

today i was sitting in class at Price Lab School - when two girls sitting at my table noticed a girl in a car across the street - who was clearly stuck on a sheet of ice and not going anywhere fast. without being able to see the girl myself, all i could hear were their commentaries:

'OH! so close!'
'keep going! you've almost got it.'
'op. nope. you just made it worse.'
'oh look - there's a guy walking into that apartment about two feet away. he didn't even help her. jerk.'

by the end of the class, where obviously nothing was accomplished, we had witnessed this girl attempting a get-a-way several times - while repeatedly getting out of her car with what looked like a baseball bat to dig herself out.

as we're all gathering our loads of things at the end of class, i look at the girl sitting next to me and say, 'Vanessa, we should go help her. she's already late to wherever she was going. she's been attempting that ice mountain for at least 30 minutes.'

so Vanessa and i proceed to walk out to help this girl. she looked quite young. and real frantic. so with a little bit of a rock and a shove - we had her out of there! it was beautiful.

nearly a half-an-hour later i get a phone call from Vanessa that says, 'Savannah, you will never believe this - i just drove by Price Lab and some guy parked right where that girl was - and now he's stuck. thought you would appreciate knowing that!'

after pushing a car out of an ice pit - i walked back toward campus for my next class. on my venture - i saw two guys wearing shorts. apparently 30 degrees is a heat wave and requires less clothing than 15 degrees. or perhaps people are just ecstatic that today they didn't have to look at the ground and see it moving, to know that they were still alive in the dead of winter.

after class was complete for the day - i was walking back to my car. on the sidewalk this girl, whom i had never seen before frantically waves at me. i smiled. perhaps i looked familiar - or maybe she was just having a really great day! take your pick.

ice pits. heat waves. shorts. friendly faces.
thank you monday.

hours in a day.

24. the number of hours in a day.
60. the number of minutes per 24 hours in a day.

and as life continues to demand things by rigorous schedules and required places of meeting - i begin to think there are not enough hours in a day to make it all happen.

days beginning at 6:15.
classes from 9:00-3:15.
picking children up from school at 3:30 and playing until 6:00.
various things planned at night, depending on the day.

textbooks to be read.
papers to be written.

and in the midst of the rigorous to-be-accomplished-list - i find it incomplete.
papers begun but left unfinished.
phone conversations with great people bring about a welcomed interruption.
and time is made to talk about the events of our days and weeks.
stories exchanged. laughter had. sorrow shared.

exhaustion once again calls for the day to come to an end long before all that was planned has been conquered. wondering what life would be like if we were given more hours in a day. but perhaps it's what we do with the hours we've been given. and sometimes the beauty within that can be the sacrifice of things left undone to gain the depth of what interrupted it all.

crash.

i attempted to clean my room today. believe it or not - my floor, bed, and chair were covered in clothes. it's unfortunate that my lack of height just couldn't quite get that sweat shirt on the top shelf. i heard a creek and felt a sudden movement from the shelf in my closet. i ran into katie's room to tell her my closet was falling down [i'm not sure what she was going to do about it?] and as we both walked back into my room the whole thing came crashing down. metal pieces ripped and protruding from the wall. after the crash katie and i looked at each other and said, 'well. guess i have too much stuff.' all of that was followed by a call to our land lord who inconveniently lives in minnesota but was going to call his property manager here in cedar falls. his words to me were, 'well, start cleaning things up and i'll see how soon i can get someone there!' thanks mark.

[this is everything that WAS in my closet]

turns out that the mess i was attempting to pick up quickly became bigger. all of this was followed in part by taking the trash out and completely biting the dust and landing underneath lindsay's car. perhaps i shouldn't attempt anything else today!

i was also wanting to accomplish a lot of homework this afternoon. lofty plans considering i've been sitting on my floor around a pile of clothes reading children's books.

maybe tomorrow.

learning to play.

it doesn't seem that it has taken long to become over-whelmed once more. i didn't suspect week one would entail a large load beyond the syllabus - but homework rolls in large quantities, and suddenly i remember what these days and late nights feel like.

the past few days seem to have been a whirl-wind. to think tomorrow is thursday, makes me question what happened to tuesday and wednesday. days filled with hours of class and time spent with children.

1. taking children to and from school.
2. cleaning up vomit.
3. building towers only for the sole purpose of blowing them up.
4. packing lunches and snow pants.
5. becoming imaginary wolf hunters in order to save our imaginary sheep. we work at night and sleep during the day. always with a watchful eye of course.
6. taking children to doctors appointments.

7. participating in the 'girls club'. which really means that my nanny girls go out to eat at Carlos O'Kellys when dad is gone on business.
8. playing dinosaurs - where apparently the only objective is to eat one another.
9. pulling over to the side of the road to break up a fight between sisters in the back seat.
10. holding a little boy as he came running to me for a hug in the midst of tears.

and to wrap up the end of the day - Lindsay and i come home from Bible study to discover that she has been locked out of her bedroom. we schemed many options. picking the lock. taking a running jump at the flimsy door. knocking a hammer through it. playing monkey climb to get through the window in the back yard. and finally she ended up calling a locksmith. about 12:30 a.m. a large man, obviously disturbed from his sleep, showed up at our house. complete with a large mustache and cowboy boots. after much contemplation he had the door open. after long days, late nights, and small frustrations i discovered Lindsay's goggles. they were put to great use as we rigged up her door to prevent a recurrence of unfortunate events.

playing like a child.
feeling like a mom.
so much fun had as i realize how greatly i desire to be a mother.
so many playful and weary days to be had.

but for now - exhaustion finds me saying - goodnight world.

welcome back.

you know you are an education major WHEN..any of the following events take place on your first day of class:

1. you play any version of a name game.
2. you sing a song. together. as a class.
3. your professor reads you a picture book. [authors and titles may vary]
4. you make a name tent.
5. you're asked to decorate your name tent.
6. you accomplish nothing beyond butcher paper lists of nice things you would like to learn.
7. you go around in a circle and state your name, major, minor, hometown, hopes, dreams, aspirations, and interesting facts about yourself. [i usually go with my record number of sneezes or my broken arm story.]
8. your textbooks include 5th grade chapter books.

[insert loud laughter from anyone who has never experienced these first days as an education major.]

i also forgot how incredibly cold it is in cedar falls. on campus. when the wind blows.
and unlike the past couple of years, no two of my classes are in the same building back to back. in the process of walking from one to the other today, i lost my face and my legs. pretty great.

hoping these last first days are memorable as a well known routine is established once more.

p.s. the events listed above are not subject to a one time occurence and actually happen quite frequently throughout the semester.

living within.

it seems time has been lost.
as i think about beginning my last semester of college, i find myself in awe of how quickly years, months, and days continue to pass by. so much has been had. relationships known and grown. a heart rearranged on truth. an arm broken in a place or two. tears fallen. joy embraced. its much like any other season i suppose. and yet it seems different. a transition ahead that has never been had before and will never be had in the same way again.

a move away from the familiarity in relationships as well as from this town. jobs to be found and days to be filled with hours of a career. reality as some would come to call it.

and yet i ponder at the possibility of having found a bit of reality here. a reality of love. not in a manner that love has been 'reached' or 'attained', but more so 'abided' within.

[abide::// to remain - continue - dwell - reside - continue in a particular condition - to endure - sustain - wait for - to accept]

the journey has held so much. and yet i find that i have seen a glimpse of love. hearts that have admitted to weakness and failure, allowing us to abide within love. for love to dwell in the midst of the messy. sustain in moments of frustration and question. and to let love endure through the depths of wounds.

it is only now that i've come to see how those around me have abided in love. even when i didn't recognize it. even when i thought they were to blame. moments and pages of journals spent crying, wishing i had the words to thank them now. for loving. deeply. beyond themselves.

teach me to abide that others may taste of love.

teaching and being taught.

yesterday i was a substitute teacher associate at an elementary school in cedar falls.
what an experience. i left the end of the day wanting to kick off the high heels and hang out with someone my own size. but the moments within the day were irreplaceable.

i was subbing as a one-on-one aid for a kindergarten student, Jayden, who is non-verbal with mild non-compliant behavior. there were several moments where he would not respond to my words with actions or words of his own, and where i could not make him budge. suddenly so much seemed beyond my control. in moments such as those i wonder why i went into special education. in watching others interact with students much like Jayden, i'm reminded of where my heart breaks. in knowing these students will be rejected by peers and society. labels slapped all over them. frustration had by others as we sometimes fail to provide and relate.

my day at school was also filled with moments of other kindergarten students.
a little girl who always spoke very loudly, was the social butterfly, the 'mom' when we played house at recess, and the one whose name i heard dropped the most by the teacher: Savanna. how ironic.
Lydia shared with me that someone had thrown up in the bathroom and there were chunky things on the floor. sure enough.
Drew wore around football shoulder pads, talking tough to everyone he came in contact with. his future in full view.
Bryn told me that she figured out the tooth fairy lives in her mom and dad's bedroom and sleeps under their bed. that's funny
Jackson made transformers out of legos that flew across the classroom during indoor recess. he drew detailed pictures of spiderman and told me heroic stories. Jackson also left his lunch bag in the cafeteria and together we went on a search for it. as we came up empty handed i asked Jackson what his lunch bag looked like and he said, 'it's just a brown paper sack but my mommy wrote me a note on my napkin and it's really special. i'm just going to be sad to lose it.' tears rolled down his cheeks.

moments were challenging. others made me laugh out loud and smile. and at the end of the day, the impact those children had on me was worth every moment.
it's funny how we are taught as we teach.
what a beautiful job it will be.

refine me.

it has seemed as if many around me have begun relationships in the past semester. giddy thoughts toward a relationship that began quickly. late night conversations with a friend where questions are asked and thoughts pondered over her new relationship. so much is new. so much is unknown. so much is exciting and changing.

having never found myself in that exact place after twenty-one years - i sometimes dream, picture, and wonder what it may some day look like in my life.

a couple of weeks ago i was talking with a friend about this very thing. and something distinct and truthful she said stuck out to me. "savannah, there will never be another time in your life where you have as much freedom to go do and be as you do now in college, and shortly after college. the process started within you and being continued through you now in becoming a solid woman of God is exactly what your husband needs."

the refinement within is what my husband needs. a perspective i have never heard or thought about. refinement seems to be an unattractive process that we as people would rather avoid. painful and ugly is what we think of it most times. and yet it's what my husband needs?

beyond marriage relationships i think this truth stands on its own. the refining fire and continued denial of ourselves is what others need. lives lived transparently and wholeheartedly for something greater than ourselves so that others may see light in the midst of an over-whelming darkness. it's only then that we will love purely. deeply. and in abounds beyond ourselves.

refinement is not always for and about us. but in the midst of the hurt and stripping of ourselves that it calls for, we would rather deem ourselves to be a reckless mess or unattractive what-not.

teach me to delight in the fire.
teach me to see the beauty within.
that i may continue in a process of becoming a solid woman of God in order that others may be loved purely, as we have all been created to desire.

time well spent.

last week i went to visit josh and jenn in decatur, illinois. time spent with them is irreplaceable. a married couple who have spoken great truth into my life. lives lived transparently beyond themselves. children growing up in a home where love abounds.

several moments filled with Bella asking, 'banana, will you play with me? will you hold my baby, she's crying."

tours of the town and shopping trips. honest conversations over treats to starbucks and children taking naps.

Bella is three, and determined that she can do most things on her own. when she asks her mom for permission to do something - and is told to wait just a minute - Bella is already well on her way to conquering her desire after being told not to. if only she had waited for mom - the chalk would have only been used to draw on the chalk board and not the floor. the play dough would have stayed on the table. and the mascara and lipstick wouldn't have been ruined.

waiting. a concept that is so hard for Bella to learn now. a concept i myself have struggled grasping lately.

waiting for answers over this summer.
waiting to know the details on going to africa.
waiting to see what life will look like beyond college.

even after we're told to wait - we act and move upon our own will and desire. perhaps our desired answer or outcome could have been heard or seen, had we just waited like we were told to.

learning to wait well.
learning to listen while i wait.
learning to live with great expectation as i strive to walk in obedience.

the eve of a new year.

my new years eve looked much like this photo.

1. party with my mom because my dad was asleep before 11:00 p.m.!
2. sparkling grape juice.
3. party hair.
4. a viewing of annie for the 6th time in one week!


welcome to you, 2008!