unashamed love.

i often marvel at the ways i learn through children.
the group of children i'm working with this week have shown me a glimpse of myself.

luke made the choice yesterday to hit another camper, and unfortunately had to be sent home. the tears in his eyes the moment i told him, struck me. sudden impact of his actions were being felt as the consequences were received.

tears were rolling down sam's face while we began opening worship. noticing him in the back, i knelt down to his side. jade had given him an indian bracelet and twisted his arm. sam was hurt. when giving jade an opportunity to say something to sam, he said, "i'm really sorry. i thought you were playing. because i know i was playing." tears streamed down jade's face at the realization of how his play had hurt sam. apologizes were had and sam and jade proceeded to sit by one another. smiles wide.

avery was weeping after completing a game. she was excited that her team won, but her sister thought she was bragging. avery wanted her sister to know she was happy, but her sister continued to ignore her. avery squeezed tight into my arms for a big hug. her tears stopped like the flip of a switch while she looked at me and said, "i'm going to go watch out my eyeballs now." i laughed at the unknown humor of this first grade girl.

so many children. wild and energetic. so much to be learned in years to come. and from them i am learning too. the humility in realizing you have hurt someone else with your actions. the shame that we feel when others find out. how we ache when consequences are embraced. and the irreplaceable assurance of being held through tears.

the kingdom is entrusted unto children such as these.
a kingdom where unashamed love reigns.

fast moving.

do we as people know how to slow down?
do we understand rest?

living in a world where life occurs at a fast pace. the things required of us demand our time and insist of it now. we go and we move and we accomplish. and when completed more arrives, only to continue in a similar pattern established at a well-known pace.

coming to the end of my week off - i feel as if i didn't slow down.

do i even know how?

long time coming.

summer continues to pass by at a rapid pace.
things look different than perhaps i thought they would.

five weeks into my job i've broken my arm once more. without a need for surgery, i await for it to heal. wearing a rather attractive brace which produces a lot of sweat, and allowing others to help me is difficult at times.

africa has become a closed door. days spent pondering. waiting. and anticipating only for the details to not come in full as they were first expected to. placements still being found in iowa. now awaiting a new list, and perhaps it will come together at just the right time.

i'm longing for consistency. week after week i find myself driving a different van, to a different town, in charge of a different group of people, staying with a different generous host family, while doing the same thing.

my heart begs to settle. and by settling i don't mean being content and still - but rather being ok being unsettled.

i know of only one thing that is consistent.
may it become my all.

where are You?

camp.
a familiar place returned to - and yet much of it looks unfamiliar.
three weeks of training completed.
frustration had.
laughter shared.
tears shed.
humility needed.
heart changed.

moments of doubting why i am here.
moments of wishing i were in other places.
moments of crying out for a desire over it all.
moments of wondering where You are in this place.

let me see Your face.
in this dry and weary land.
please give me a place to stand.

landed.

graduation has come and gone. it all feels surreal and relieving.

i have landed at home. two legs and four wheels. and yet i still feel as if my heart hasn't landed among me.

time here has been filled with scheduled appointments and things to be accomplished before departing from this place once more.

dentist. chiropractor. orthodontist. hair cut. new cell phone. family shabang. all in 48 hours.

today i attempted to sort through my belongings which continue to fill tubs among tubs. everything shoved in random locations where it fit best just to haul it here.

i found my bag of shoes. and then discovered the already present mound of shoes in my closet:

59 pairs of shoes. 28 given to the homeless shelter in a near by town. and 31 packed back into my closet. was there ever a need for 59 pair? i want to be simple.

much continues to fill my time and days.
the pace which i have kept for so long beats on.
and my heart begs to settle.

finals.

finals.

they leave a distinct and remembered feeling within you.
you feel the most unmotivated you have all semester.
you're figuring what your overall course grade would be if you didn't even show up for the final.
pondering if it would be well worth it.

you see many types of people - responding similary on campus.
those walking slowly - head down - headed toward a dreaded something or other.
those running - already late - and on a mission.
those standing in the median of university avenue holding a binder.
if you don't know it by the time you get to the median buddy - you're not going to know it!

feeling a bit checked out. packed up. graduated. half-way home. carrying everything i own on my back.
that sounds easier than writing this paper and studying for yet another test right now.


this too shall pass.
good luck to you.

moving from here.

completing this semester and the short time that remains brings signs of relief ahead.
graduating in less than two weeks brings a sense of accomplishment.
purchasing a ticket to Tanzania leaves me feeling empowered.
looking forward to the abrupt changes ahead brings great excitement and anticipation.

it nearly makes me want to bust out in a cheesy, remembered chorus of the past:

Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there?
Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end.
And suddenly it's like we're women and men

and this is how it feels.

As we go on, we remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change,
from whatever
We will still be, friends forever
______________________________________________

thank you Vitamin C.

this place will continue to hold memories and thoughts over seasons where i've been changed.
but i'm now finding myself ready to move from here.
not because i'm ensured of what's to come.
but more so the excitement that extends over the unknown.
over the paths which could be taken.

i want to step with courage.