Miss Conlee

i recently taught a lesson on the parts of a friendly letter. days later i received this from one of my students:
___________________________________________
Dear Miss Conlee,
You are my favorite teacher. You are awesome Miss Conlee. You rock. How do you like Lincoln? Your handwriting is good. I like the smile faces that you put on my paper.
How long are you going to be here? Are coming back? How old are you? What is your favorite color? What your favorite song or band?
Your student,
Kailee
___________________________________________

things such as these make long days and countless hours worth it.
each one of them - are worth it.
and most days that is what they fail to believe.
and all i want them to know.

you are worth it.

here i am again.

days and weeks pass by as i continue this student teaching placement. learning what i am passionate about in teaching and finding it to be in areas outside of where i am now.

days are unpredictable. and a good day is evaluated by the number of office referrals we give to students. the number of times students swear at me. and whether or not anyone cries.

soon enough this placement will come to an end where another begins.
just yesterday i was informed of being welcomed to student teach in tanzania once more. over-whelmed that perhaps this round of excitement and anticipation may land me in the midst of what has been laid aside for now.
how can it be that i would go now?

perhaps it comes with an affirmation and eager notion to leave this place.
detach.
live.
soar.
and see freedom away and within.

welcome.

change embraced.

time continues to turn as i return to these pages.
much has been changed. rearranged.
a summer job filled with inconsistency and uproar.
preparing to travel to tanzania. embrace the culture. love the unfamiliar surroundings.
and with inadequate details i'm no longer traveling. no long anticipating. left only to ponder what the dirt roads and local faces would have looked like.
and so i return. return to a town and a place where life is familiar.

why the fight to stay and the hesitation that floods when i settle?
what brings me here when i would give anything to be there?

change embraced.
a change of heart in need of embracing.

unashamed love.

i often marvel at the ways i learn through children.
the group of children i'm working with this week have shown me a glimpse of myself.

luke made the choice yesterday to hit another camper, and unfortunately had to be sent home. the tears in his eyes the moment i told him, struck me. sudden impact of his actions were being felt as the consequences were received.

tears were rolling down sam's face while we began opening worship. noticing him in the back, i knelt down to his side. jade had given him an indian bracelet and twisted his arm. sam was hurt. when giving jade an opportunity to say something to sam, he said, "i'm really sorry. i thought you were playing. because i know i was playing." tears streamed down jade's face at the realization of how his play had hurt sam. apologizes were had and sam and jade proceeded to sit by one another. smiles wide.

avery was weeping after completing a game. she was excited that her team won, but her sister thought she was bragging. avery wanted her sister to know she was happy, but her sister continued to ignore her. avery squeezed tight into my arms for a big hug. her tears stopped like the flip of a switch while she looked at me and said, "i'm going to go watch out my eyeballs now." i laughed at the unknown humor of this first grade girl.

so many children. wild and energetic. so much to be learned in years to come. and from them i am learning too. the humility in realizing you have hurt someone else with your actions. the shame that we feel when others find out. how we ache when consequences are embraced. and the irreplaceable assurance of being held through tears.

the kingdom is entrusted unto children such as these.
a kingdom where unashamed love reigns.

fast moving.

do we as people know how to slow down?
do we understand rest?

living in a world where life occurs at a fast pace. the things required of us demand our time and insist of it now. we go and we move and we accomplish. and when completed more arrives, only to continue in a similar pattern established at a well-known pace.

coming to the end of my week off - i feel as if i didn't slow down.

do i even know how?

long time coming.

summer continues to pass by at a rapid pace.
things look different than perhaps i thought they would.

five weeks into my job i've broken my arm once more. without a need for surgery, i await for it to heal. wearing a rather attractive brace which produces a lot of sweat, and allowing others to help me is difficult at times.

africa has become a closed door. days spent pondering. waiting. and anticipating only for the details to not come in full as they were first expected to. placements still being found in iowa. now awaiting a new list, and perhaps it will come together at just the right time.

i'm longing for consistency. week after week i find myself driving a different van, to a different town, in charge of a different group of people, staying with a different generous host family, while doing the same thing.

my heart begs to settle. and by settling i don't mean being content and still - but rather being ok being unsettled.

i know of only one thing that is consistent.
may it become my all.

where are You?

camp.
a familiar place returned to - and yet much of it looks unfamiliar.
three weeks of training completed.
frustration had.
laughter shared.
tears shed.
humility needed.
heart changed.

moments of doubting why i am here.
moments of wishing i were in other places.
moments of crying out for a desire over it all.
moments of wondering where You are in this place.

let me see Your face.
in this dry and weary land.
please give me a place to stand.