wounded children.

last night at work i was running around playing house. eating plastic food. blowing up multiple things with the boys. reading books. and loving on children.

little did i know they would show me a greater glimpse of love.

kaylin is a spunky little two year old girl. always dressed in pink and usually found dragging a pink blanket not far behind her.

last night she was playing on the blocks, and suddenly started running - which landed her head straight into the wall. not having seen it happen, but heard the hard hit, i immediately turned around to see her laying on the ground - holding a cry to the point of silence and a lack of breathing.

i scooped kaylin up. blew in her face so she would have to breathe again. and simply held her so tight. she was scared. and i'm sure she felt unexplainable pain. the busyness of running around had slowed down in a matter of seconds. and in that moment i got to hold her near. rock her. and remind her that she was going to be ok.

after one large raised bump on her forehead, and fifteen minutes of being held, kaylin was ready and willing to play again.

sitting with kaylin, loving her and holding her, reminded me of how much each of us desire the same. when we're 'playing' and embracing the joys of life - we're not expecting the unpredictable to hit hard. where pain meets us in the unexpected. but inevitably it does and it will again. and in those exact moments our Savior gets to hold us near. embrace His child. and wash love over us. i can't imagine the pain of the Savior in moments when we attempt to put a band-aid on a fresh wound and refuse the need or want to be held and embraced.

allowing ourselves to be gripped by a hand of grace.
allowing ourselves to be wounded - so that we may have hearts for the wounds of others.
allowing ourselves to be held and simply drawn near to the heart of our Savior.

all that's left.

my friend sarah wrote a song this summer that just recently got recorded onto a cd.
the truth within the lyrics have become the cry of my heart in the midst of this season.

i am at my best when i am nothing
i am at my best when i've lost all control
i am at my best when i surrender
i am at my best when You're changing me

so teach me to delight in the fire
the fire that purifies me
i'm pursuing the heat of Your fire
to take all that's left of me

i heard You ask "who can I send?
who will go for Me?"
The cry of my heart is i'll go won't You send me
but i know You have to take from me

so take from me and destroy what these hands have made
i am coming to a place where all i want is all you have for me
and i know it's in my brokenness - that i can best be used by You
so break me Jesus and take all that's left of me

i am read to be broken for you Jesus
i am ready to surrender all to You
i am ready to be poured out as an offering
i am ready to surrender my all to You
___________________________________

i am reading a book about compassion. it has spoken of suffering and pain as unattractive aspects to our lives that we would rather avoid. our reaction to run from what seems difficult creates a lack of genuine compassion toward others and ourselves.

'so teach me to delight in the fire
the fire that purifies me
i'm pursing the heat of Your fire
to take all that's left of me'

teach me to delight in the fire. teach me to delight in the process of being refined and purified. teach me to pursue the heat of the fire that burns what i've created and leaves only what Your hand has done over me.
________________________________________________

'i hear You ask "who can I send?
who will go for Me?"
the cry of my heart is i'll go won't you send me
but i know you have to take from me'

with a great passion for the people, i desire to do my student teaching in Tanzania, Africa. hesitations and the disapproval of my parents speak otherwise. i never imagined myself to say, 'i am willing to go', but it has become the cry of my heart that i do so. i know the process is not finished, and much must be taken from me.

teach me to delight in this fire. teach me to delight in the process of being refined and purified. teach me to pursue the heat of the fire that burns my own desire and leaves only what You have for me to do.


i am coming to a place where all i want is all you have for me.

friendship.

Alainia and i got together for lunch this week.

life shared within a matter of moments.

hugs exchanged. love embraced. laughter shared. tears nearly fallen as we remembered just how easily we can understand one another. and time ran far too short.

friendship is an abundant gift.
may we lay ourselves aside enough to see it as such.

great should be our thanks.

my mom and i went grocery shopping. on a hunt for a turkey and all of the ingredients for our family thanksgiving meals to be held in the next two days.

ahead of us in the check out line was a woman wearing a tattered coat. pushing a cart holding her purse and three grocery items. '$7.35,' the cashier asked. with a blank look on her face, the woman moved to a nearby counter to pour out her purse and scrounge for change and dollar bills. watching this woman pour out all she had in exchange for the little groceries she was attempting to purchase.

behind us in the check out line were two woman purchasing a handful of items. upon completion of their items and food stamps being scanned, the woman sighed in disappointment of not having enough money to purchase all they had picked out. they began returning items one at a time until their total reached the amount they held in their hand.

ahead of us and behind us in line these women stood.
abandoning embarrassment of what they did or didn't have in hopes of attaining what they needed.

i was humbled in that place.

great is my thanks - for i've been given much.

tis' the season.

yesterday i was crazy enough to ride my mom's bus route with her.

every time it is an adventure.

yesterday was the last day of school before Thanksgiving break began. as you can imagine - children were rowdy and excited that once the bus took off for home - they wouldn't be back until Monday morning. i remember that same anxiety of school-less days ahead.

this is a small glimpse of the Pilgrims and Indians i rode alongside of yesterday.

fully dressed with large buckled hats and feathered head dresses.

having one bigger person in the front seat apparently grants permission for everyone to yell at the same time. everyone with a different story to share. all desiring to be heard.

i spent time listening to Summer read to me.
Taylor sang me a song.

many questions were asked:
'what bus stop are you getting off at?'
'where do you think Kerri puts the bus when there are no kids on it?'

and some of the things they said made me do nothing but laugh:


'we had a feast today. i was an Indian. we made vest. mine is really fun. and it's REALLY comfortable. [Summer drags an over sized paper sack cut into vest form out of her book bag]

'did you know that my pancho is made in Mexico? then they gave them to wal-mart so my mom could buy it.'

'KERRI - these boys are smashing cars and being ridiculous. boys are pathetic! tell them to stop!'

'i can spell santa. do you want to hear me?'


i think i'll be a teacher.

lovers.

one woman in the Bible i often draw back to and find truth within - is the woman at the well. her desperation. her heartache. her reaction to Christ love.

today in church the pastor made another interesting parallel to the same story. talking about how we are a generation with too many lovers. too many loves in our lives - just like the woman at the well who had had five husbands and was not even married to the man she was currently with.

loves.
people. time. events. they can all become our loves before and over Christ.
but Christ wants to be the only lover of our hearts.
He is jealous to embrace all of who we are.
for we are His.

truth was found in the words, 'it's not about you desiring Him - it's more about you recognizing Christ desperate cry over you - His deep desire to have all of you - and allowing yourself to be loved by Him. for He is in love with you.'

and in those words - i found freedom.
freedom from disappointment.
freedom from rejection.
freedom from pain and hurt.
freedom from guilt.

freedom found by losing myself in finding Him.

learning from the simple.

i've been learning a lot from my students in the past week.
their innocence and simplicity can surprise you. crack a smile. and some days make you laugh out loud.

the soon to be heart-throb of the class, Coleman, has been the one to seek attention from his classmates. he would answer the questions asked and shout out answers even when there was no question.
within the past couple of weeks he has been more silent. giving answers when called upon.
when asking his mom about this at parent teacher conferences she said, "well. we've been working on humbleness at home. learning how to not always be first or heard. maybe that has something to do with it."

a nine year old child reminding me to be humble.

Nick is a fun-loving child who loves football and learning all that he can get his hands on.
today i was teaching a lesson about tropical rain forest. the students were reading about tropical rain forest in their science textbook and then writing the things they learned in a venn diagram.
as i'm floating around the classroom i see Nick has his hand raised. i walk up to his desk and this is what he tells me, "Miss Conlee. the last sentence in our text book is wrong. it's not true."
i look at the book and it reads, "The tropical rain forest has huge numbers of insects. No one has ever named them all." i asked Nick why he thought that statement wasn't true and he looks at me with determined eyes and says, "because Adam was the first man on this earth. and God named EVERYTHING! i know that because my mom goes to church."

i smiled. gave Nick a thumbs up and said, "you're right Nick. and there sure are a lot of insects in our world!"

we may grow up. but we're never done learning.
and sometimes what we learn comes from the simplicity of the ones we're teaching.

the well is deep.

feeling as if i've come to see a glimpse of light.
a renewed desire for life.
the depth of my well.

each of us have a well in this life. a well of heartache and pain. past experiences you'd rather forget and journeys you'd prefer to leave unmentioned.
perhaps this past journey is one worth remembering - if only for the truth that i can see now.

for the longest time i felt my well of heartache was a target. my struggle and sin was obvious and known to those who surrounded me.

and for so long i've tried to run.
nights spent crying. days waking up to do much of the same.
feeling like i've been standing still while life happens around me.
what happened to my desire?

and then i stopped.
i looked around.
and i saw that everyone around me also has a well. a heartache in this life. and for the first time in a long time i saw beauty in the brokenness.

each of us desire to be loved despite the depth or consistency of our well but sometimes we're not willing to accept love - most often when our well is all we see.

butwe are just that.
loved.

you are loved.
even more than you desire.